Not something terrible happened bad. Just… bad. I’ve been studying a lot lately, and when I’m not studying, there isn’t really much else happening. I haven’t been going out much. I haven’t been talking to people as much as I would like. And after spending enough time like that, I start feeling anxious and restless and sad and, honestly, a little angry at everything.
I think part of it has to do with the pandemic. I know it’s been years, but I still don’t think I completely got over what being locked inside did to me. I was very depressed during that time. I had so much anxiety, I felt trapped inside my own thoughts, and even though I was technically surrounded by my family all day, every day, I still felt incredibly isolated because we couldn’t actually go anywhere. Everything felt closed off.
Maybe that’s why staying at home for too long makes me feel weird now. I’m not actually trapped. I can leave whenever I want. Nobody is locking me inside my house. But sometimes it feels like I am. And when I’m already feeling bad, going somewhere alone doesn’t necessarily help. I like talking. A lot. When I’m alone, there’s nobody to talk to, so my brain happily fills the silence with overthinking instead.
Today I reached that point where I just thought, I want ice cream right now.
So I asked a friend if they wanted to go out with me. They were busy. And somehow that made me feel even worse, because I didn’t just want an ice cream. I wanted to get out of the house. I wanted some air. I wanted to stop feeling like the walls were slowly closing in around me. But I didn’t want to go alone.
Then I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to go after work.
He said yes immediately.
And that was it.
Nothing in my life had actually changed. The things that had made me anxious were still there. I still had studying to do. I was still at home. I was still having a bad day.
But suddenly, the day didn't feel so bad anymore.
I thought, Oh. I’m going out later. I’ll get some fresh air. I’ll have an ice cream. I’ll get to talk to someone. I’ll have something to look forward to.
And somehow, I felt free again.
That’s the funny thing about having something to look forward to. It doesn’t even have to be particularly important. It can be something as stupidly simple as sitting on a bench with someone you love, eating an ice cream on a sunny afternoon.
But suddenly the day has a little shape to it.
Studying doesn’t have to be the only thing that happens today. I don’t have to spend the entire afternoon inside my own head. There is something waiting for me a few hours from now. And that is enough to make me want to stay awake and experience the rest of the day instead of just going to sleep and letting another day disappear into the same routine.
I used to think small things were pointless.
When I was younger and I was in a really dark place emotionally, I remember thinking that nothing small could possibly make me feel better. If I was sad, then eating something I liked wasn't going to fix it. Watching something funny wasn't going to fix it. Listening to a song I loved wasn't going to fix it. So what was the point?
I think I was expecting happiness to completely cancel out sadness.
If I was hurting, I wanted something to make me stop hurting. Anything less than that felt useless.
I don't think that way anymore.
I've gotten older, and I've realized that happiness doesn't have to completely cancel out sadness to be real. Something doesn't have to fix me to help me. It doesn't have to solve the problem. It doesn't even have to make me happy for the entire day.
Maybe making things 5% better is already worth something.
Maybe that's what the little things are for.
A song can make a moment feel different. A conversation can pull me out of my head. Going to bed can feel comforting. Talking to my mom, my friends, my siblings, or my boyfriend can remind me that I'm not actually alone. And apparently, an ice cream can be enough to make a bad afternoon feel a little more bearable.
It won't cure sadness.
It won't magically make anxiety disappear.
It won't fix whatever is making me feel trapped.
But it can get me out of the house. It can make me breathe fresh air. It can give me something to anticipate. It can interrupt the endless cycle of studying, thinking, overthinking, and feeling like the walls are getting closer.
And maybe that's enough.
Maybe we don't always need to turn a bad day into a good one. Maybe sometimes we just need to make a bad day slightly less bad.
Later, I'll probably be sitting on a bench with my boyfriend, eating an ice cream while the sun is still warm. We'll talk about whatever comes to mind. Maybe we'll laugh. Maybe we'll just sit there and enjoy being together.
Nothing extraordinary.
Just an ice cream.
And somehow, that's enough to make me feel like the world is a little bigger than the four walls I've been staring at all day.
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