Lately, I've been feeling like crying all the time. Not because something happened that day. Not because someone said something hurtful. There isn't a trigger I can point at and say, "That's why." It just happens.
I'll be sitting in class, lying in bed, talking to someone, scrolling on my phone, or doing absolutely nothing, and suddenly my throat tightens. It feels like there's a lump in it, like my body is trying to force tears out that I refuse to let come. I take a deep breath, swallow, blink a few times, and keep going. Most of the time, nobody notices.
I've spent weeks trying to figure out why this keeps happening, and every time someone asks me what's wrong, my answer is always the same: "I don't know." Not because I'm avoiding the question, but because I genuinely don't know.
At first, I thought maybe I was just stressed because of university. Then I wondered if it was because I've been questioning whether I chose the right career. I don't hate it, but I don't know if I love it either. I'm scared that one day I'll realize I made the wrong choice, and even more scared of disappointing everyone if I decide to take a different path. Every time I think about it, I tell myself that maybe things will get better, that maybe one day I'll wake up excited about what I'm studying. But a part of me doesn't trust that hope anymore.
I've waited for things to get better before.
Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to believe that time alone fixes anything. I've had periods in my life where I kept telling myself, "Just wait a little longer. It'll get better." Sometimes there were good days, days that made me think things were finally changing. But they always seemed to end the same way, and eventually I stopped trusting the idea that bad things naturally become good ones.
At the same time, I've been remembering a lot of things from my childhood. Not just remembering them, but almost feeling like I'm there again. I don't want to talk about those memories yet, but they've been showing up more often than they used to, and I can't help but wonder if they're connected to all of this. Maybe my mind has decided it's finally time to look at things I spent years trying not to think about.
I've also noticed how unpredictable I've become. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything. For a little while, I feel unstoppable, like I've finally figured everything out. Then, without warning, I crash. Suddenly I feel like crying again. Suddenly every insecurity I have starts screaming at me.
Lately, one sentence has been repeating in my head over and over again: "You're dumb."
I wish I knew where that voice comes from. Maybe it's just my own expectations. Maybe I've convinced myself that if I'm not good enough at what I'm studying, then I'm just not good enough, period. I don't know. I only know that it's exhausting to have your own mind constantly trying to convince you that you're not enough.
Sometimes I wonder if my body knows something my mind hasn't admitted yet. It feels like there's grief sitting somewhere inside me, asking to be felt, while my brain keeps searching for a logical explanation. Maybe that's why I feel like crying even when I can't tell you what I'm crying about.
When I look back at the past year, I realize I never really stopped moving. One thing ended, another began. I went from surviving one chapter of my life to immediately starting the next without giving myself time to process any of it. Maybe all those emotions I never made space for are finally catching up with me.
Or maybe I'm completely wrong.
The truth is, I still don't know why I want to cry all the time. I don't know why my emotions feel louder than they used to. I don't know why my childhood suddenly feels so close again. I don't know if I'm mourning the past, the future I imagined, or the person I thought I'd become by now.
I just know that my body seems to be carrying something that my mind still doesn't have the words for. Maybe one day I'll understand it.
But today, all I can honestly say is this:
I still don't know why I am like this.
No comments:
Post a Comment